the last few days brought on one whole round of guilt and depression... my 'ah-kong' passed away yesterday... for me.. i have a lot of regret... simply bcoz i had the chance to see him the day before.. but sadly.. i foolishly passed up the opportunity... instead, i spent the day with friends.. not knowing that that chance would have been the last that i had to see him again... from now, until forever.. i will live with regret... and guilt.. becoz i ditched my beloved grandpa for a group of friends. its the looks on the faces of my aunties and uncles that just make me really want to cry. its the love that i can see... it's written all over their faces... an overwhelming emotion u noe?

from here.. things are strange... as in.. for my cousins and i. bcoz its a funeral... we can't act too happy u noe? but... things are just depressing if no one says anything... just like wen the casket was first brought to yishun - the funeral thing at the downstairs part of my eldest uncle's place... its like... at first.. no one dared to say anything.. i felt all the tension and emotion which all of my aunties and uncles were trying to hold back... and then wen the casket was opened.. the only thing we could do was just stare... to stare pensively into the face of my late grandpa... it's a feeling which just grabs you.. if you don't let go of these emotions ... they can take you on a life-long-never-ending journey..

now that my parents haf flown over from perth.. the family is reunited.. yet again. it was just a few weeks back wen everyone had congregated for the wedding of my eldest cousin... i'm just glad that my ah kong had lived to see teng da get married... after all, teng da was the favourite grandson... i guess in a way ah kong went peacefully.. and its a good thing that he was relieved of all the pain and suffering which he was going through.. just to see him there, lying in the hospital bed.... his breathing then turned into gasps for air.. as if he was continuously submerged in water.. his eyes looked as if they were stuck together.. his skin.. drying out.. looking and feeling scarily brittle..

well... gotta go.. time to go back to the funeral place... at this time of bereavement.. i'm just glad that i have my almighty Father.. who i know is watching out for all of us down here... i'm especially glad to know that my grandpa was a believer.. so now he's there, in that very safe place.. finally.. i can feel some peace... today and the nxt couple of days will be a rough time to come... i pray that i'll have the strength to endure it u noe? but i have no worries.. coz the Lord is there. He's always there.